Someone in my office said that there are three things you’ll never hear a redneck say:

1.  The tires on that truck are too big.

2.  I thought Graceland was tacky.

3.  Duct tape won’t fix that! 


Well, easy for him to say.  I happened to buy a used truck, that, believe it or not, was incorrectly fitted with tires too small.  But I can’t afford to get anything else right now because my wife has just redecorated our house in a Graceland theme. Which we like. We even ran out of money for that so I had to duct tape a lot of it in – and note, duct tape really can fix just about anything.  That guy in my office is ignorant.

I really wanted to fix the truck tire problem, so I just learned that I can get a fast cash fix through Payday Loans in Maricopa, www.PAYDAY-LOANS-IN-MARICOPA.INFO, a USA payday loan service that requires no credit checks.  It’s good money when you want to do things classy.

There’s a joke someone told at a company picnic we had at Picacho Peak State Park and it has become a big problem for all of us in the office.  It goes like this: Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, “This taste funny to you?” 

Under any other circumstances, that would be funny.  The problem is we have two people in our office who are descended from cannibals in Polynesia.  And, one person whose father was in the circus as, you guessed it, a clown.  It gets worse.  That person’s clown father was lost on an eco-tour in the very country the cannibals came from.  The new vice president told this joke at a company team building event.  You can imagine the horror. 

So naturally, we all felt badly and chipped in for gifts for the cannibal and clown descendants. Wooden bowls with crystal dip cups, very nice.  This happened to come at a time when my personal finances were a joke, eating me alive.  But we had no choice – it was either buy the gifts or deal with little miss sad face and the other two very disaffected cannibal grandchildren (ironically, one has an eating disorder).  So I needed to get a cash advance on my paycheck that month, which I got from Payday loans in Marana, www.PAYDAY-LOANS-IN-MARANA.INFO, a fast cash, bad credit payday loans company.  

Now imagine what happens when someone gets a call from a headhunter.

My friend on Avalon Avenue in Lake Havasu City was showing me his new apartment late one night, then he led me to his bedroom.  To my surprise, there was a big brass gong near the bed.  “What’s that brass gong for?” I asked.

“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” my friend said.

That didn’t make a lot of sense to me, so I asked how does it work?  “Watch this,” he said. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: “Hey, you jerk. It’s 3:00 in the morning!”

So I decided I wanted a talking gong too.  Due to their efficacy, and the fact they are imported all the way from China to our local WalMart stores, I needed to find the cash fast to buy one.  So I went to Payday Loans in Lake Havasu City, www.PAYDAY-LOANS-IN-LAKE-HAVASU-CITY.INFO, where the low fee payday loans are available through a faxless (online application) process.  I generally have a 6 a.m. tee time at the London Bridge Golf Course, so that talking gong clock really comes in handy.

I went camping in Coronado National Forest with a friend from college who grew up near me in Green Valley, and unfortunately he was bitten on the butt by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” I offered. So I ran ten miles to the truck, then drove to Oro Valley and found only one doctor who was busy delivering a baby. 
”I can’t leave,” the doctor said, apologizing and looking for a solution. “Here’s what you can do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.”
 So I ran back into the woods and found my friend in agony. “What did the doctor say?” he asked, crying out in pain. I paused and said, sadly: “You’re going to die.” 

Normally, I am a little more helpful.  Like my girlfriend wanted money to buy some camping equipment.  So I lent her the money, which I was able to get in cash advance from Payday Loans in Green Valley, www.PAYDAY-LOANS-IN-GREEN-VALLEY.INFO, which provides you a the best payday loan offer north of Nogales.  Part of her purchase included a snake bite kit, fortunately.

Did you hear the one about the the doctor, the minister and the HMO claims manager, all from Glendale, who all died and lined up together at the Pearly Gates. The doctor steps forward and told St. Peter, “I was a pediatric surgeon in Litchfield Park and saved hundreds of children.” He was allowed to enter.  The minister said, “You know the specific religion I was with doesn’t matter,” and Peter nodded yes. “I helped thousands of people in Sun City, Peoria and Tolleson live better lives.” St. Peter concurred and allowed him to enter Paradise.  The HMO claims manager entered his plea: “I was an HMO manager. I was able to give countless families in the Greater Phoenix area cost-effective health care.”  St. Peter said is his business voice, “You may enter,” he said, but added, “However, you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”

Which reminds me of my recent run in with my health insurance company.  I was stuck paying a $1000 deductible on a $1500 medical bill, so I had to find cash fast. I went to Payday Loans in Glendale, www.PAYDAY-LOANS-IN-GLENDALE.INFO, one of the best online sources of cheap pay day loans, with no credit check required.  Because covering my expenses in whatever way I can is the responsible thing to do - perhaps something that work in my favor some day.

My marriage didn’t work out.  It all started one day when my wife smacked me in the head. I was totally dumfounded and asked, “What was THAT for?” She said it was because I was relatively untalented in bed. 

A couple of minutes later, I smacked her head. She looked confused.  Then she asked, “And may I ask what’s that about?” I replied, ” Because you know the difference.”

But moving out and lawyer fees carried some additional expenses I wasn’t prepared for, so I went to Payday Loans in Gilbert, www.PAYDAY-LOANS-IN-GILBERT.INFO, an internet payday loans company where you get fast cash with a no-fax process.  Hey, I’m dating again and while that takes extra money, it also leaves me with less time.

Last summer I stayed on a farm up near Yuma with my uncle and aunt.  It had something to do with character building, according to my dad.  But I am an early riser, so it looked at first like it would be an ideal situation. 

My first morning there I thought I’d impress them by going out to the barn to milk the cow for some milk for my cereal.  When my  aunt and uncle walked into the kitchen I said, “I took the liberty of milking your cow this morning!  It took me a while to get her started up. She must be old.” But Uncle Bert took me aside and informed me they don’t have dairy cows, just a bull.  

I’ve been in therapy ever since, and now that I’m back in school at Arizona Western College I am able to pay for it with a cash advance from my work-study job at the bookstore.  It’s a simple system: I fill out an online application from Payday Loans in Fortuna Foothills, www.PAYDAY-LOANS-IN-FORTUNA-FOOTHILLS.INFO, and in a day there’s the money.  My therapist thinks that with time I may quit eating my cereal dry every morning.

I worked as a salesman in a shop in Scottsdale that sells very expensive Persian rugs.  Not too long ago, a woman, pretty well dressed, was looking at a beautiful rug, but as she was bending over to feel the texture she had a pretty obvious expulsion of gas. She didn’t initially see me but I was less than five feet away.  So I asked if I could help and she said “How much does this rug cost?”  I couldn’t help myself.  I just said, “Lady if you farted just touching it, you will have a bowel movement in that Chanel suit when you hear what the price is.” 

So she has the nerve to report me to my boss, who then fired me.  I got a new job nearby in Mesa soon enough, but the income gap of a few weeks left me with some unexpected expense the next few months.  Fortunately, I was able to get a cash advance at Payday Loans in Chandler,  www.PAYDAY-LOANS-IN-CHANDLER.INFO, a terrific low cost payday loan company that has a fax-free, online application process.  As the kids used to say, it’s a real gas to be able to get money that fast.

Something about the move here to Buckeye from Cleveland seems to have really helped my libido.  The wife and I were going at it one day and the kid walks in on us.  He said, “Hey, Pop! What are you doing?  Brain neurons firing, I responded quickly: “My boy, I’m filling your mother’s tank.”

Which is why what he said next was a little surprising. “Oh, yeah? Well, you need a model that gets better mileage. The guy with the motorcycle from down the street filled her this morning.” 

So as you might guess, I have new bills in my life.  Alimony, child support, therapy for the kid, repairs relating to the the damage I allegedly inflicted on Mr. Easy Rider’s home, bike, boat and face.  It all adds up.  So to cover this little short term problem, I got a cash advance on my paycheck from Payday Loans in Buckeye, www.PAYDAY-LOANS-IN-BUCKEYE.INFO, a smart place to go for a no fax payday loan that instead has an online application.  It’s faster than the time required to fill up a tank (I am speaking figuratively here).

My wife and I were in a restaurant near the Apache Creek Golf Course and Sunland Springs Village off Baseline Road, and she noticed a familiar face at the bar. She said, “Do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?”  He looked pretty soused. She said, “he’s been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him.” I quietly considered how one continues celebrating for so long.

But I stick with the girl, bless her heart.  I’m kinda a slacker, and have a tendency to run up bills I can’t pay.  When that happens, since she seems pretty smart about holding onto her job, she gets a cash advance at Payday Loans in Apache Junction, www.PAYDAY-LOANS-IN-APACHE-JUNCTION.INFO, where an online application gets you a fast payday loan in as little as one hour. See, when I drink, I drink with her.  And after all these years together, some beer goggles are the best thing for our love life.