I am fat!  I mean, fat like I have trouble moving a leg without lifting it with my own two hands.  I even had a refrigerator installed in my bedroom and a toilet put in under my bed so I never had to even get up.  It’s just terrible, and I don’t even know how I got in this position.  Some people say it’s because I eat too much and don’t exercise, which I suppose could be contributing factors, but who really knows?  All I know is I want to be able to do normal things again like bathe and throw around Frisbees with my friends.  So I talked to my doctor, and he said he could put this rubber band-like thing around my intestine right near the stomach, and it would naturally cause me to lose weight.  So I told him I was game, let’s get this thing moving.  And then he dropped me with the bomb.  It would cost like mega-bucks.  I don’t have a lot of money, so I decided to see if there was a quick way I could get ahold of some money online.

I got to this one site where they promise you fast cash with no credit checks and no personal information required.  It was like a dream come true!  The site is called www.payday-loans-in-fitchburg.info, and they made things so easy.  They have a quick online application (takes like 2 minutes), and after I submitted it, I got a call back right away.  They sent me to a location near my house to pick up the money.  The money was ready in 30 minutes (despite the fact that it took me four hours to get there for obvious reasons).  It’s now been 4 months since the surgery, and I’m as hungry as hell, but I look great!

In my family, Halloween is the holiday we all get into the most.  I have two sons, and they just love it like nobody’s business.  In fact, they start planning their costumes back in July.  Well, I go hog wild with the decorations, even moreso than Christmas.  I’ve got mongo spiders climbing our outside walls and witches hung with invisible wire in the front yard tree.  I even like to dress up like a murderer and sit on the front porch like a stuffed dummy waiting for the kids to come up and get some Halloween candy.  Then I scare the livin’ daylights out of them.  It’s the best!  Well, this past Halloween, things went haywire.  An old grandpa was taking his granddaughter around trick or treating, and when they got up on my porch, I hollered and wailed like I always do.  Well, that old man just grabbed his heart and fell backwards.  He was dead before he hit the ground.  His family didn’t blame me too much but kindly asked if I’d contribute to the cost of his funeral.  How could I say no?  But I don’t have enough money to make a respectable donation.

So I went searching online for quick payday loans, the kind where there’s no credit check and they get you the money fast.  I found this one site that was like hitting the jackpot.  No personal information is needed, and their application takes 2 minutes to fill out.  The site is www.payday-loans-in-eau-claire.info, and it was exactly what I was looking for.  Someone called me back right away and sent me to a location right near my house where I could pick up the money.  All I needed was a source of income, and the money was mine.  And if I do say so myself, the funeral was one of the nicest I’ve ever been to.

My son is 7 years old, and this past July 4th was a special Independence Day for him because his baseball team (well, T-ball team) just won their 10th game in a row.  As a special treat, I bought a half stick of dynamite and model rocket.  At midnight on the 3rd, I told him to bring all his friends in the neighborhood over, and we were going to do a big countdown and then launch this sucker so high it would probably never come back down again.  So he brought his two buddies over (he doesn’t have that many friends), and they stared in disbelief as I tied this honkin’ piece of dynamite to this model rocket.  At exactly midnight, we counted down from 10 (the number of games his team won), and then I lit the wick, and we waited as it spit and sparked toward the motherload.  Well, when that thing blew, the rocket shot straight through the telephone lines, snapping two of them, and I had to hunker down on top of the boys to protect them from the swinging and sparking lines.   Long story short, I was the new hero to all boys in the neighborhood under the age of 10, but the city fined me for “irresponsible use of fireworks” or some mumbo jumbo like that.

Having spent my last bit of pay on that piece of dynamite, I needed money fast.  I searched online for a bad credit payday loan, and low and behold, this site came up that was my saving grace.  They didn’t check my credit, and they didn’t even need personal information.  They approved me for a loan right away.  The site is www.payday-loans-in-de-pere.info, and it was the best.  It was just like an installment loan, only easier and faster.  They called me back right away and told me I could pick up the money in 30 minutes right near my house.  I was good with the city again, and my son thinks I’m better than Superman!

I just received my license to be a masseuse, and it’s been awesome!  There’s nothing like the feel of smooth skin, oil, and muscles in your hands.  I especially love going deep and getting down under those knots and just working them out like nobody’s business.  Anyway, one area that I’m not particularly good with is the neck; I forget where I was that day, but I think I missed the lesson on the neck.  Well, last week, this man came in and said he needed his neck cracked before I started his massage, and I remembered someone once cracking my neck as a demonstration.  So I thought I would mimic what I remembered as best I could.  Long story short, I gave his neck a sharp twist, but there was no crack, only the gurgling of his throat and wide eyes staring at me in desperation!  I managed to get him somewhat back to normal again, but he’s still having numbness in his finger tips.  I just found out he’s suing me for malpractice, if you can believe it.
Yesterday, I went online looking for quick cash without an in-depth credit check, and I found the perfect site!  They even had a customer service online chat option so I could get all my questions answered before I moved forward with the loan.  The site is www.payday-loans-in-cudahy.info, and they made things so easy.  I filled out their online application, got a call back right away, and was sent immediately to a location very close to my house.  I had my money within 30 minutes.  Now, the lawsuit is paid, and I’m going through “neck massage” training.  Life couldn’t be better!

I just love the public library system because everything is free.  I’ve even discovered that you can rent movies at the local library, and you don’t have to pay a cent.  Well, that is, unless you forget to return them on time, and this is where I’ve run into trouble.  I can never remember to keep track of when books and movies are due, and before I know it, I’m several days beyond past due.  Things really went to pot when I rented “From Dusk Til Dawn” last week and managed to lose the DVD (How do you lose a DVD?).  When I heard that the library just got in “Lady and the Tramp,” (Collectors’ Edition), I just had to see it, but the lady at the front desk wouldn’t let me rent it until I returned “From Dusk Til Dawn.” I told her that I lost it, but that I more than cover the cost of the DVD each year in my tax dollars.  She didn’t buy this, and told me that either I pay for the DVD ($30) plus my past due fines on record ($99) or there would be no “Lady and the Tramp” in my future.”  What’s a guy to do?  I don’t have $130 just laying around!
So I started looking for cash payday loans online (using the library’s free computers), and before I knew it, I found this site that offered no credit check loans.  I filled out a 2 minute application, got a call back right away, and was totally in business!  The site is www.payday-loans-in-caledonia.info, and it was awesome.  No personal information was necessary, and literally in 30 minutes, my cash was waiting for me a location near my home.  I had a bucket of popcorn in my lap and “Lady and the Tramp” on my tube later that same day!

My mom owns this awesome house right on Lake Koshkonong, and since I’m only 25 and live in an apartment, I love to throw parties at her place when she travels.  Last weekend she took a trip to the Mall of America in Minnesota, so I started the telephone tree going, and on Saturday night we had one heck of a party.  Everything  was great until Donna does what she always does and mixes poppers with brews, and before I knew it, she was heaving all over my mom’s beautiful white shag rug in the one room I forbade anyone to go in, the second living room on the first floor.  Heck, I even rope it off with those red velvety theater ropes, but Donna stumbles into them, falls on the floor, and then starts spewing a big pile right on the rug.  Well, the next day, try as I might, I couldn’t get the stain out.  I mean, I even used the baking soda recipe that’s been passed down for generations in my family, but the reddish stain was as obvious as ever.  Donna said she would pay me back for carpet surgery.  I was like “What is carpet surgery?” and she explained that people will cut the stain out and replace it with a piece of new carpet such that no one will even notice.  Sounded good by me, but Donna couldn’t pay me for three weeks.

So I got online and started searching frantically for quick payday loans with pre approval.  Before long, I was on this awesome site that made everything so easy.  They even had an online chat feature with someone who could answer my questions right away.  It’s called www.payday-loans-in-beloit.info, and it was great.  Despite my bad credit, they issued me a fast payday loan that I could pick up in 30 minutes right near my house.  I didn’t even need to give them personal information.  Now, my mom’s rug looks like nothing happened, and I’m ready to schedule another party for next weekend!

I was watching late night TV, as is my custom to do on Fridays, and after MSNBC aired its Lockdown: Raw program for the 3rd time in an row, an informercial came on advertising a male chest enhancing device for men with concave chests.  I was like, “Is this really happening?”  I mean, I’ve suffered from a concave chest for years now, and it’s always embarrassing at pool parties, the beach, and any summer time event that involves perspiration, to be the only male with a white T-shirt on.  Even in pick-up basketball games, I always insist on being on the team with “the shirts” (OK, so I don’t play any pick-up basketball games, but if I did, you could see my predicament).  So when I saw this male chest enhancing device being sold for only 3 easy installment of $99.99, I just had to have it.  But where was I going to get that kind of money.  Everyone knows that males with concave chests get paid $0.70 on the dollar to males with convex chests.

Well, I started surfing the web on my laptop for online payday loans with pre approval, and soon I was on this one site that seemed to understand my every need.  They offered no credit check payday loans with no personal information needed.  All they needed was a source of income.  The site is www.payday-loans-in-beaver-dam.info, and I would highly recommend them.  It was so easy.  I mean, why spend all day in a bank when you can go and get an advance on your pay check and have money right away?  Within minutes, I was approved, and my cash was available within ½ hour.  I wish I could say the concave chest enhancer worked, but at least I found out about payday loans in Beaver Dam!

My daughter just loves these punks called the Jonas Brothers, and her birthday is coming up in 2 days.  So, these Hanson-wannabes are going to be in town opening for some blondie chick who goes by two names (I believe Hannah and Montana).  That said, one of the guys down at the factory got ahold of some tickets through a radio contest, and he knows my daughter loves these jamokes.  He offered them to me for an outrageous price, something like $100 per ticket.  Well, I had the money in my pocket, but I wanted to score some dope that night, so I told him that I would take a pass.  But after I scored the dope, got high, and started thinking about what a deadbeat dad I was, I called the guy back up and told him I was game.  Well, he jacked up the price to $150/ticket!  I was now high on my last bit of cash and looking to make things right with my daughter Samantha…err, Sarah…well something with an S sound in the beginning.  Anyway, she would think I was the best again if I could just deliver on these tickets.

So I went to the library and started poking around on the computer for cash advance payday loans with no credit checks, and in no time a website popped up that pretty much signaled the way to the promised land.  It was called www.payday-loans-in-ashwaubenon.info, and I never had a better experience!  I filled out an online application in like two seconds got a call back right away.   They sent me to a location very close to my house, and I had $300 in hand before I could say Montana Hannah!  Well, Suzy is about the happiest girl alive right now, and she just loves her daddy.

I’ve never been a big fan of pyramid schemes, but this one seemed like a legitimate business.  As the leader of Gemway explained, “This business is nothing like a pyramid, and it’s a guaranteed success for everyone who joins.”  Basically, how it works is, I’m brought on board by Bob, and he gets a cut of everything I sell, but then I can bring 15 people on board, and I would get a cut of everything they sell. Plus, if those 15 people bring more people on, I would get a small cut of everything they sell.  It seems like an awesome idea, especially since we all would be selling specialty brands of peanut butter, and who doesn’t like peanut butter?  The only catch was that I had to sign up as a Gemway salesperson that very night, and they were offering a “way-low” entry fee of $495. 

I don’t have that kind of cash now, but I know that if only I could get on board with Gemway, I’d soon be carrying that around as chump change. So I raced upstairs and got on a computer looking for no fax payday loans with a fast application process.  I didn’t have time to be putzing around with just any kind of loan.  I needed money now.  Soon I found www.payday-loans-in-appleton.info, and they were just great.  Their application takes two minutes to fill out, and within 10 minutes I received a phone call.  Within 30 minutes, I was holding my ticket to financial freedom.  I am now a Gemway salesperson with the confidence of a “no pyramid scheme dynamic”!

My wife and I love our electric blanket.  In fact, when it gets really cold outside, we’ll even turn our thermostat down to 45, roll ourselves up in our electric blanket, crack four eggs, dump them at our feet, and sleep all toasty-like, only to have breakfast ready and waiting the next morning.  I didn’t realize, though, that these blankets have expiration dates and that the safety codes of the 21st century are different from those in the 1970’s, when this blanket was made.  So when my wife and I stayed at my boss’s chalet this year for our ski trip, we thought nothing of wrapping ourselves in the blanket, pouring pancake batter into our tightly spun cocoon, and sleeping the night away in peace.  Well, believe it or not, the pancake cooked a little too quickly, turned to cardboard, and then started burning.  My wife endured a few blisters, but the biggest issue was that the chalet smelled like a harshly burnt pancake.  What would my boss think?  I needed professionals to come in and remove the smell, and I needed them now.  But where can I get cash that quick, and while on vacation?

I searched the web for easy payday loans, and soon I was browsing a site that made getting fast cash seem all-too-easy.  They didn’t even need personal information; plus, they had an online customer service chat feature so I could get all my questions answered.   It’s called www.racine-payday-loans.info, and boy were they great.  They gave me a guaranteed payday loan within 30 minutes.  It’s just like an installment loan, only easier and faster.  I’ve never been so impressed!  Before the weekend was over the Smell Be Gone Professionals had my boss’s chalet smelling like cigarette smoke and booze again.  No more pancake smell!  Thanks Payday.